The 69 best dick jokes: Funny joke book

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I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field. Why did the scientist ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of his lab goggles! A husband tells his wife, “I bet you can’t say something that’ll make me happy and sad at the same time”. She thinks for a bit and says “your pen*s is bigger than your brother’s”. What did the conductor say to his orchestra? “Don’t be silly, wrap your baton, Willies! We don’t want any misplaced beats!” The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize, “Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?”

Why did the barber disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of a clean shave! I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I’d like a bag. I said “no, I’ll just turn the lights off.” I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.” – Frankie Boyle (Photo: BBC) I asked for a photo, but she said I should wait until tomorrow as she’s naked and doesn’t want to get dressed to go to the freezer in the basement this late at night.

The Devil had had enough of Jesus being in the spotlight for so long. He challenged Jesus to compose the longest tale on Microsoft Word and win. Jesus agrees, and they begin. For Delaney, joke-writing is less about creating a narrative, and more about playing around with words and language. There ́s no way she believed you!” He shakes his head again. “How old did you tell her you were, then?” Jesus then stood up and jumped out of the boat, and started walking on the lake. But after a few steps of walking, he then fell into the water and started drowning. Moses seeing this, rushed to save Jesus and get him out of the water. When Jesus was finally saved, Moses, looking confused, then asked him, “Hey, what happened? How did you fall into the water??”

Why did the pianist disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of musical notes! Milton Jones–“I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.” What did the conductor say to his violinists? “Don’t be silly, wrap your bow, Willies! We don’t want any screechy notes!”

The 55 Very Best Dirty Knock Knock Jokes

On The Big Fat Quiz of the Year] “I’ve answered at tedious length. ‘Tedious Length’ is also my porn name.” – David Mitchell Johnson is irate. He yells at Jim, accusing him of trying to run him out of business. Jim manages to calm Johnson down and begs for another chance. Reluctantly, Johnson agrees, and they set up a meeting for next week. What did the doctor say to his patient? “Don’t be silly, wrap your appendix, Willy! We don’t want any unexpected surgeries!” The next day, another man goes to the beach and sees the same woman crying by the shoreline. He asks her what’s wrong. Bruce Willis was offered a role in the new Star Wars film, but turned it down to concentrate on action films Because you know what they say about old habits...

What's the last thing a woman wants to hear while blowing w**... Nelson? I'm not really w**... Nelson. And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster. The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever. I’m 42 years of age, I literally have to hit it with nettles. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat.” – Greg Davies

Jesus’s Christ! Missed again!” The golfer shouts in anger. “You mustn’t swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you.” The priest explains. But the man doesn’t listen. Many others loved the message of the advert, with one person saying: "Absolute joy to watch (especially on a Monday morning first thing). Made me laugh so much I spat my cup of tea everywhere! Thank you for bringing sparkle and fun."