NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

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This is a tough one. Those who have had an affair, whether they’ve been caught or whether they’ve actually come forward, rarely tell the whole story initially. In this case, Jennifer will either feel guilty and extremely protective of Sam, not wanting to hurt him anymore, or she’ll be protective of Anthony. Or both. At first, it’s adversarial. Then it moves towards information seeking by the cheated partner. And finally, it reaches the stage of looking for deeper meaning and possibly then fixing the relationship. If it makes you feel better, some of those lies might have also been aimed at shielding you and rescuing the relationship. Women tend to detach from the relationship before the affair begins. Men tend to detach after the affair has begun. Sexual Designation

How Do Affairs Happen? - The Gottman Institute

Some people resolve the internal conflict by telling themselves “it’s not so bad, everyone’s doing it”. The good news? It can be accomplished, and the commitment can be richer than ever. Not because of the affair, but because of the work done to make marriage #2 better than marriage #1 ever was. And that’s a great example of how interest creates opportunity: if you’re in a relationship with a player, he’ll be looking for opportunities everywhere. When they emotionally detach

The latter reason may likely infuriate Sam. But it’s part of the process. The “story” usually emerges slowly, even though Sam might want the truth and all of the truth right away. Jennifer may not be able to do that. Remember, she’s now committed to the marriage and more than likely fears Sam’s reaction. That “too much too soon” may blow up in her face. Shirley Glass supply or fit double/triple glazed units, windows, compositite doors and panels for houses, flats, bungalows and commercial buildings.

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In Pay Off George’s new girlfriend Shirley Glass persuades him to look into the mysterious disappearance of her previous boyfriend, Eddie Glass, a year previously. Shirley is a croupier at a gambling establishment (which is where she met George) run by the villainous Drake. There is clearly something in Eddie’s disappearance, he was also working for Drake at the time he went missing. George does some digging on his own account and discovers that Glass may have been involved in a bullion raid. Often, people who engage in an affair will balk at the idea of sharing with their spouse their struggles with letting go of their lover. The most important point? To move ahead, Sam needs to actively hear and believe that Jennifer is choosing him and their marriage. Realize that the “truth” rarely comes out all at once There is less dependency on a partner, less reliance on the relationship for meeting essential needs, less investment in the relationship while idealizing alternative relationships, and thinking fewer positive pro-relationship thoughts. Instead, anti-relationship thoughts take over like “maybe we will be better off without each other,”“it may be a relief to let go of the relationship than hold on,” etc. The window between the partners is replaced with a wall, as the window opens up to outsiders. Other harmless liaisons provide the safe house. Secrets and crossing boundariesUnfaithful partners often suppress or gloss over any detail that is inconsistent with their values and wedding vows. As one maximizes the partner’s negative qualities, one also minimizes positive characteristics. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ( defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling) become rampant. Dr. Gottman suggests that people committed to their relationship cherish their partner by reminiscing about the positives with gratitude, even when not together. An essential part of a relationship, cherishing and expressing gratitude, is replaced with trash-talking the partner (directly and in front of others). Resentment and loneliness in relationship To avoid cognitive dissonance ( Festinger, 1957) they lie to themselves or change their own stories. Defensiveness can turn into openness -which is good- or into aggression. And ambivalence can turn into decision paralysis or full clarity.

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The author holds a master's degree from La Sapienza, department of communication and sociological research, and is a member of the American Psychology Association (APA).When this occurs, it’s very easy for the hurt partner to view this as more intentional deceit, which many betrayed people say is just as difficult to work through than any sexual or emotional indiscretion. The therapist needs to guide the couple carefully through the betrayer’s tangle of self-protection or protection of a lover and the defensiveness and shame that comes with it, as well as the betrayed’s desperately wanting and deserving “the absolute truth” and the sadness, rage, and fear that accompanies it. It starts with suspicion, and the first confrontations arrive when there’s a little bit of evidence. Because society disapproves of affairs and cheating, the unfaithful partner can often be very lonely in his struggle.

Shirley Glass | Psychotherapy Networker

All of this lies in the Atonement phase, which is a working through of anger, fear, guilt, and shame. It’s a tightrope that has to be walked very carefully, and with as much openness as possible. The problems in the relationship did not cause the affair but are important to change The unfaithful partner focuses on the faults of the relationship and the shortcoming of his partner. Jennifer is totally responsible for going outside the marriage to get her needs met. That is clear. But affairs happen in contexts. And that context is Jennifer and Sam’s marriage. That is very sad. Couples have come to me years after doing therapy for an affair. There has been no true stage of reconciliation that Drs. John and Julie Gottman would call “Attachment.” The unforgiving spouse remains bitter, but may try to hide it. The unforgiven feels a loneliness that he or she doesn’t understand; it may be that everything “looks” fine, but underneath there is still distrust, blame, or anger.

Secrets begin with omission. The other patterns such as inconsistencies, lies, confidence violations follow. While in cherishing relationships, interactions with others that hurt the partner are avoided, in denigrating relationships, ties with others are sought to fill the prevailing emotional gaps. As the hiding increases with the partner, there is an active turning toward others, and at a vulnerable moment, boundaries are crossed, and actual betrayal unfolds. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment. This stage is especially dangerous for unhealthy relationships engulfed by criticism, constant fighting, and meanness. Partners who didn’t expect it can experience feelings of unreality, as if they were disconnecting from the world. #1. Numbness They had little emotional bonds in them! When a relationship has little emotional intimacy between the partners, then it’s only normal that one partner will fall hard for a new partner that provides that emotional aspect that they are missing.