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Every Family Has A Story: How we inherit love and loss

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Julia: And that whole idea of being a soft skill is not. It’s really, really hard. And it is the only thing that matters, it’s the best medicine. Right. But it is not so scary. It requires. Yes. Unbelievable. Endurance, patience, fury, rage. You know. Because where you feel most you feel most. So if you have joy, one end of the bandwidth of love, you’re going to feel fury as well. You know, it’s wide it’s as big as a yes you get. This book is wonderful, wise and empathetic, so useful but also so beautifully written. . . . What I found really interesting is the sense of reciprocity, how Julia is engaged in the process of working with clients, changed by them and their stories, as we are by reading about them. Every family should have one, to consult in times of trouble.” —Gavanndra Hodge

Julia mentions the Winnicott Term and the Good Enough Parent , a term coined by the British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott. Kate also spoke about this idea of being a Good Enough Parent with Don Rosenstein and Justin Yopp in an episode called “The Magic of We”. We may not see our family, but they are still part of us, genetically, in our memories and our unconscious. We can never leave them, as we can a partner or a friendship.’ Tiesiogiai su psichologija susijusias knygas aš skaitau, kaip terapiją ir pagalbą sau. Ir šią skaityti man buvo emociškai sunku. Vienoje iš istorijų radau daug panašumų ir skaudėjo už juos ir už save. Bet pats procesas džiugina, kai tokiu būdu gali permąstyt save, naujai, iš kito kampo pamatyt situacijas, o perėjus viską pasijaučiu lengvesnė. 💛An essential, clever and kind book that reminds us that we can never hope to understand ourselves without deeply understanding our families. A testament to the ongoing relevance of psychotherapy and to Julia Samuel’s preeminent skill as an author and therapist.” —Alain de Boton What makes Samuel outstandingly sympathetic as a therapist and as a writer is her unusual willingness to admit to faultiness and not to be remote or over-authoritative. She is a virtuoso listener, but wears her heart on her sleeve and will occasionally admit to feeling unequal to what she is witnessing. Her lovely—and in no way insensitive—character leavens the narratives assembled here. . . . The Samuel magic continues to obtain.” — The Guardian Kate: Exactly. Yes. Meanwhile, I’m busy putting terrible things in the coherence machine and inventing a story that never flatters me about why it’s happening. Yes. It is. But that is perhaps me being overly critical (and part of the therapy I need is surely to forgive more). So whilst she may not be the ideal therapist for me, she certainly reinforced and made me feel some of my own issues were valid. I leave you with a couple of sentences which I take away

Julia: They could then they wrote in this wonderful letter, the three of them, because I said to them, you know, their love for the person never dies. They would like I can’t have a relationship with them I only have one photograph. And but every time they talked together and they wrote this such a beautiful letter to him, because, of course, he was still very much in them and part of them, and they could see themselves in him. They had his eyes or his sense of humor, and so they healed by telling painful truths, which is really what you talk about, is that by facing and not hiding from painful truths, we can’t fix the reality of what happened. But we can learn to connect and even love and allow ourselves. It is how parents live, far more than what they say, that becomes embedded in their children. I have often witnessed parents saying to their children, ‘All I want is for you to be happy,’ but how would the child begin to know what ‘happy’ looks like if they haven’t seen it?’ A wise and important book, full of insight into the pain and beauty at the heart of family life... I loved it' Clover Stroud When something bad happens I will not let go of that bad thing until I find the blessing within it.’Julia: I am so glad I met you. I loved our conversation and your work and all that you’re doing. And I really take my hat off to you. You’re amazing. If I recall correctly, this book was mentioned in Esther Perel's newsletter, and its title immediately caught my attention. This year, I've been delving into novels that explore the intricacies of family dynamics, so I felt it was the perfect time to explore a nonfiction book on the subject.

Julia Samuel offers vivid insights in a book for all families... I was utterly drawn in' Kathryn Mannix I'm not a fan of reading book summaries; I prefer to know very little about a book before diving in. My selection process usually relies on recommendations from authors, podcasters, or experts in topics that pique my curiosity. Kate: There’s an ongoingness to love and pain, which just doesn’t really lend itself to knowing exactly what to do.In the eight case studies we are gently guided . . . towards a deeper understanding of the importance of honesty, self-examination and communication within all relationships. . . . [An] engrossing book [with] extraordinary personal honesty.” — Daily Mail This was a very interesting book. I am a big proponent of Therapy For Everybody, but family therapy seems to play second fiddle to individual – presumably because of how hard it is to get a group of potentially therapy-averse people around one table. I will say the fact that Samuels is attempting to be inclusive of many different types and varieties of families means that some specificity is lost. This is coming from a place of extreme privilege wherein I do not experience racism or homophobia, nor do I have significant traumas in my past. However, I still have mental health struggles, so the books that speak to me the most are the ones who deal with people like me – people who from the outside look like they shouldn’t have problems. All the same, this is still a valuable book with actionable insights.

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