Daft Dictionary (Microfax Jokes Books)

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.” Adam Hess (2016) What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? “Thanks! I’ll never part with it!” Yo Mamma’s so fat… that other people have to pay for the health consequences of this via general taxation, even though it’s her responsibility.” Dominic Frisby (2016) The group included a grandmother, her daughter and her daughter’s daughter. 32. What 5-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired.” Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop (2014)When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming.” Olaf Falafel (2018) She sleeps at night. 9. You spot a boat full of people but there isn’t a single person on board. How is that possible? An electric train has no smoke. 79. How is it possible for every single person to die in a plane crash but two people survived? I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times.” Felicity Ward (2016) You just know Chilcot was up until 4am, downing Red Bulls and trying to crank out the last 800,000 words.” Alex Kealy (2016)

My ex-girlfriend would always ask me to text her when I got in. That’s how small my penis is.” Rhys James (2015) I learned about method acting at drama school, when all my classmates stayed in character as posh, patronising twats for the entire three years I was there.” Bridget Christie (2015)A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy.” Chris Turner (2016) Bookkeeper 104. There are eight men sitting on a couch. Three legs break off and six men leave. How many legs are remaining? I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” Hayley Ellis (2012) She fell off the bottom rung. 7. What starts with “e” and ends with “e” but only has one letter in it? A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows’” Jake Lambert (2019)

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food was good, but there really wasn’t much atmosphere. Walk on the living, they don’t even mumble. Walk on the dead, they mutter and grumble. What are they? Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him” Carey Marx (2008)

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Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time.” Rhys James (2015)