Wounds of the Father: A True Story of Child Abuse, Betrayal, and Redemption

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Did he, too, have an emotionally absent father? Was he made to believe he was a failure? Seeing your father as a person with his trauma can be helpful. Related Reading: 10 Common Parenting Issues and Ways to Deal With Them 2. Recognize that you are more than your wounds You may not believe it at first, but the longer your tell yourself this new narrative the more you will believe it. The more you believe it, the faster you will heal and grow. I believe the #metoo campaign of violence and harassment against women is the direct result of a manifestation of the father wound in men. Receiving love and acceptance from a father is important for developing a child’s self-esteem. If your father was overly critical or absent, you might feel less than your peers because you believe your father’s harsh behavior is your fault. This can lead to low self-esteem and various related consequences, such as poor performance at school or work and the belief that you are not worthy. 2. Mental health problems The absent father is not only a physical void of someone who was not present in our lives, but can also refer to cases in which the father, although physically present, either doesn’t know how or doesn’t want to take on his role. It is a psychological absence that creates a diverse set of emotional wounds in a child.

Low mood / depression: Over time your anxiety can turn to low mood. On the other hand, you may have internalised your anger towards your father and him being absent and feel depressed as a result. Until you heal, you will suffer, your marriage will suffer, and your kids will suffer. Don’t perpetuate the cycle; start healing today. You might have heard of the concept of a father wound, or perhaps you are suffering from this type of wound yourself. If you had a poor relationship with your father growing up, you might be experiencing father wound symptoms.

A child’s brain is very active. In their day to day life, they need more than anything positive reinforcement to be able to grow in a healthy and mature way. Try to know more deeply your father's adolescence. Did he feel like a failure at all? How? Might that wound, being unhealed, be part of his interactions with you?

Too loose boundaries: You may feel that you have to be available to everyone else all the time. Perhaps deep down you feel that to be loved by others, you cannot hold your boundary and say “no” when something does not suit you. You may wish to read “People pleasing can make you anxious and resentful – How to stop it” However, growing up with a father figure that, despite being physically there, is unable to fully provide affection or recognition, creates a void in the heart of a child who is trying to learn how to build their world. There is a trauma wound affecting more people than drugs or alcohol combined. It cuts deeper than flesh and bone, and works it’s way to the soul. It affects both the rich and poor alike without prejudice. It is the father wound, and it leaves a wake of destruction in its path more devastating than any natural disaster.Jane group up with a father was away for work a lot. When he was around, he was often hiding behind his newspaper. Jane and his younger brother were often told to be quiet because “daddy” was tired and in a bad mood. Occasionally Jane’s father would drink and then he frightened her. Jane had a friend whose father was often playing with the kids, laughing and joking with them and she wished her father was like that. As a child, she wondered why her father did not like spending time with her and blamed herself. As a result, they discovered overall that children who grew up without a father in the home for whatever reason experienced 14% telomere shortening. Children whose father had died had 16% shorter telomere than children whose fathers were alive and living with them. The shortening effects are also highly pronounced (10%) when a father is incarcerated before his child turns five…The research shows that shortening is particularly present in boys, whose telomeres are 40% more affected by father loss than girls – also not surprising. Boys with father loss have a biological propensity toward anxiety, depression, or pronounced sensitivity to their environment. – AFA.net

You may feel alone in your grief over your father. That might be true. There aren’t many support groups for father wounds. As long as we accept these words as truth, we will navigate life feeling depressed, anxious and angry. What does the father wound look like? When he then became a father himself in his early 30s he was flooded with feelings of anxiety and dread. He didn’t have a clue about how to be a father and he often hid at work as it felt so uncomfortable having a child that needed him. He felt ashamed as he had always told himself that he would be present for his children and suddenly he felt that he could not be that father he wanted to be. Having a father wound often means that you’re carrying some deep emotional pain and trauma with you. While you may have developed coping mechanisms, the reality is that if you’re experiencing self-esteem and relationship problems, you may never have learned to cope healthily.

A father wound can manifest in various emotional and psychological ways, and the specific feelings experienced may differ from person to person. However, the father is also very important. That is an undeniable truth. What happens when at the core of a family there is only an absent father who does not establish any kind of relationship with his children? Without a father, it is most likely that the person had a more meaningful and healthy bond of attachment with their mother, grandparents, or even friends. They are who stand as their pillars of strength day in and day out. This can result in shallow, meaningless relationships that are based on sex alone and never really progress. You may even settle for this type of relationship because you believe you don’t deserve more. 5. Clingy behavior The father wound is the deficiency or absence of love from your birth father, whether intentional or unintentional.