Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parent's Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation

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When your child becomes dysregulated, their ‘upstairs brain’ (responsible for planning, controlling emotions, understanding reason, and empathy) and their ‘downstairs brain’ (responsible for our big emotions like fear and anger) have trouble communicating. It is during these moments that they require connection, nurture, and comfort from a trusted adult to become regulated. This may look different for your child depending on their age, stage of development, and experience of trauma. Infancy Engaging in social activities that allow for your child to learn flexibility through considering other’s perspectives and patience, such as by taking turns.

Children are authentic and expect the same of those around them. We often don’t realize how detached we have become from our authentic selves, until our children come searching for that lost person. As children do, they keep searching, despite barriers. They demand authenticity and truth. At this age, your child is experiencing rapid growth in the areas of the brain associated with self-regulation. This means they can learn and apply their self-regulation skills more easily. Using visual aids in the home, such as emotion charts, will promote your child’s emotional literacy. Some calming activities may include: Made up of the cerebral cortex and its various parts, the upstairs brain lets us think before we act. Our upstairs brain contains our ability to make decisions, control our emotions and body, focus and concentration, empathy and self-awareness.Parenting peels away the layers of who you try and pretend to be, until only your raw soul is left to bare. From that unprotected state we either begin to heal or lose ourselves in the lost layers of a reality that no longer exists.

Take time to reflect. Was there an underlying need that was not being met during that moment? How did you feel supporting your child to regulate? Modelling coping skills that can be applied during stressful situations such as asking for help when needed and taking responsibility for the situation. Infants rely heavily on their caregivers to manage most of their regulatory needs. Practice ‘baby aerobics’ during nappy changes, or when lying on the floor. Hold your baby’s ankles and ‘march’ their legs by gently bending alternate knees up to their tummy. As you do this, sing a nursery rhyme such as ‘Row, Row your boat” or “Hot Cross Buns.” The soothing rhyme and repetition can be calming for both babies and caregivers. Toddlers Remember, if your child feels forced to do an exercise then it will not help them to regulate. If your child does not want to do one but you feel they should, try doing one yourself instead.We so often need to connect with the child inside of us to understand the child in front of us. This book combines my knowledge of child development, brain science and trauma to offer parents a unique resource that includes lots of exercises, reflections and insights.” J. Milburn This e-book combines my knowledge of child development, brain science and trauma to offer parents a unique resource that includes lots of exercises, reflections, insights and also… links to additional research, articles and videos that can help support your learning.